What You Should Absolutely, Positively Never Say at a Funeral

In the funeral industry since 1996, we have heard it all – the good, the bad and the ugly. Most funeral attendees have good intentions. But, sometimes, people let their fear of silence lead them to blurt comments that might be better left unsaid. We know you mean well. So, please let us help you by cautioning against socially unacceptable funeral-service banter.

What Not to Say

Never say: “I know how you feel.” 

You might have recently lost someone you love, but it is presumptuous to think that everyone handles grief in the same manner. Grief is as unique as the people who experience it. So, avoid the temptation to relate to the mourner. Instead of declaring your own emotions, offer to make yourself available to listen. They might end up asking you about your own experience, at which time you can share the way your own loss made you feel. But wait for the invitation. And, in the meantime, feel free to tell them you aren’t sure exactly what to say, but that you are sorry for their loss.


Never say: “He/she is better off.”

If the decedent was sick prior to death, you may be right about death being preferable to suffering. But don’t go there, because that isn’t your call. In many cases, grievers don’t want to consider the fact that their loved one is better off outside of their presence. Also, the statement begs the question about the afterlife, which can be a controversial topic to address while in a receiving line. Better to smile and offer a hug.


Never say: “At least he/she lived a full life.”

This assumes that all elderly deceased were happy and healthy throughout most of their lives. But dying at a ripe old age doesn’t necessarily guarantee that the life that proceeded death was full. Instead of making sweeping generalizations, keep your condolences directed to the person in grief. Make sure they know you care and that you are sorry for what they are experiencing. It isn’t your responsibility to make sure they feel good about the timing of their loved one’s death.


Never say: “He/she looks great.”

Making comments about appearance while looking at a dead person emphasizes the fact he or she is not alive. Not that you are trying to hide that fact from the family; but realize that immediate family members may not like the way their loved one appears lying in state. You would be better off entirely refraining from making comments about the deceased’s appearance. An exception to this is if you are asked your opinion during the viewing.


Never say: “Don’t cry” or “Why aren’t you crying?”

It isn’t your job to evaluate the way someone is handling his or her loved one’s death. People experience grief in similar stages but at very different paces. What’s more, shy, introverted, mourners will react differently than their outgoing, extraverted counterparts, who may more readily express emotion. The bottom line is that the exhibition of grief is a very personal matter. Instead of telling the bereaved what to do, you are better off reaching out your hand.


About Foothill Funeral & Cremation Services

Funeral directing is a unique job. The reason we enjoy it is because we love helping families during their time of need. Drop by our Glendora showroom any time. In Covina, our relationship with Sacred Heart Chapel is the perfect place for mourners to host funerals and memorial services in a grandiose yet intimate setting. We proudly serve the San Gabriel Valley, San Fernando Valley, Los Angeles Basin, Orange County and the Inland Empire. Working in the mortuary industry since 1996, we have worked hard to build a reputation of quality, sincerity and trust. We would be honored to help you at your time of need or in the future. Call today (626) 335-0615 or drop by our showroom.

Funeral Etiquette

Somber expressions. Black clothing. Formal ceremonies.

These were the terms used to describe funerals in the not so distant past. In 2017, however, acceptable behavior and dress for memorials, particularly in Southern California, have evolved. Genuine sentiment, flexible apparel and personalized services are the new order of the day. But courtesy is always in style. How do you know what is considered acceptable so you won’t offend anyone at the next funeral you attend?


Dress Code Etiquette

In So Cal, where Foothill Funeral & Cremation is located, practically anything goes. But follow this only when you are certain that casual dress or color is acceptable in the eyes of the people who have planned the event. In some cases, the deceased may have specified that he or she does not want people to wear black for their memorial. If you are unable to pre-determine the wishes of the family, err on the side of caution by dressing conservatively and avoiding bright colors.


Respect the Family

Depending on the beliefs and background of the one who has passed, you may need to observe specific religious, ethnic and personal considerations. The most important thing is to respect the emotions and wishes of close family members and friends. After all, memorials are meant more for survivors than the ones who have died. So, make sure you respect the wishes of the people who have planned the event.


Etiquette about Gifts

Whether you choose to order flowers, give to charity in the deceased’s name, or offer a card or token to help mourners process their pain, it’s the thought that counts. While flowers used to standard procedures, today, you can choose from a host of creative ways to honor the one who has passed while simultaneously encouraging survivors.


Mind the Kids for Funeral Etiquette

If you feel your children may not be able to remain quiet throughout a lengthy ceremony and reception, consider hiring a sitter. However, if the deceased was connected to them, it may be important for you to include them in the experience. Children grieve, too.


Sympathy Etiquette

More than many other cultures, Americans tend to struggle for words after someone has passed. Don’t allow yourself to be overwhelmed about saying “the right thing.” In many cases, the appropriate response is, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Funerals are a great time to listen more than you speak. But, when you are spoken to, offer genuine words of condolence. If what you say comes from the heart, you should be good to go.


 

Make the Right Choices for Funeral Etiquette

If there is an open casket and associated viewing, don’t feel obligated to view the deceased. Act according to your own comfort level.

 


Etiquette for Signing the Registry

Most funeral services include a guest book. Take time to enter your information, with your name as well as your relationship to the deceased. Family will likely take comfort that their loved one’s co-workers, gym buddies, or golf club friends took time to attend.


Funeral Cellphone Etiquette

Before entering the funeral home, turn your mobile phone to “Do Not Disturb,” or, better yet, leave it in the car. Checking your cellphone during a service says that your work and/or social life is more important than respectfully honoring the one who died.


Wake Etiquette

Even if you do not know the family, express your sympathy for their loss, offer your own name and explain how you knew the deceased. And, if you stumble or inadvertently say something inappropriate, apologize, forgive yourself and move on.


Stay in Touch

Grief doesn’t end with the funeral. So, try to reach out following the memorial. Whether you choose to send a note, call or bring a meal, make yourself available to loved ones. If you show up in person, your stay needn’t be lengthy. And while you are there, don’t be afraid to laugh.
Fondly recalling their loved one could translate to shared stories. Just remain sensitive to the tone. If others are sharing, you can, too. There is never a reason to avoid sharing positive, happy memories about the deceased. Let the bereaved know that your support will not end with the funeral.


We are Here to Help

Perhaps you have special concerns about an upcoming funeral or memorial service? We’re here to provide the answers you’re looking for. We are pleased to answer any questions you may have, without obligation. Foothill Funeral & Cremation is one of very few funeral homes that are certified by the Green Burial Council. With a beautiful showroom and offices located at 402 West Baseline in Glendora, we proudly serves the San Gabriel Valley, San Fernando Valley, Los Angeles Basin, Orange County and the Inland Empire. With years of experience in the mortuary industry, we have worked hard to build a reputation of quality, sincerity and trust. We would be honored to help you at your time of need or in the future. Call today (626) 335-0615 or drop by our showroom.